Really Bad Sex
by MadAtar
Summary: Everything was going so well. Until it wasn't. Black Star's about to drop some knowledge. M for future installments.
1. Chapter 1

_Obligatory Disclaimer: I do not own, nor profit from Soul Eater._

* * *

Really Bad Sex  
- OR -  
Why Black Star Is Simultaneously The Best And Worst Friend A Guy Can Have

* * *

**Part 1: Great Expectations**

It was finally going to happen. All of the time, and feelings, and uncool situations were finally going to pay off. It would be the culmination of a year-long relationship - overcoming trust issues, one bat-shit crazy father, and a herd of resentful fan girls. He couldn't help the self-satisfied smirk that started to slide across his lips.

The smirk steadily grew into a full-on grin as he began to check items off of his list.

Candles?  
Check

Roses?

Check

Reservations at the bistro around the corner?  
Check

100 count box of condoms courtesy the Thompsons?  
Hell yeah he was checking that off

For once, everything seemed like it was going his way. Lord Death had sent Spirit on a month long reconnaissance mission (Soul could have sworn that Lord Death winked in his direction after giving the orders but at the same time, Soul was having trouble wrapping his head around the concept of winking without eyelids… or eyes, for that matter). Yeah. That was weird, but it got Spirit out of the picture. Blair had moved in with her latest catch of the day, so it looked like for the first time since the beginning of their partnership Soul didn't have to worry about unwanted guests.

He could say, without a doubt, that he was the man. Or… he would be. In a few short hours, Soul would consummate his relationship with the most important person in his life. He would become a man! Take the bull by the horns! The Maka by the pigtails!

And just like that his pants got a hell of a lot tighter. Deeeeeeeeep breath. This was not the time to be overeager. Taking a few more deep breaths for good measure, he banished the thought of her silken hair running through his fingers as the tension kept building and crap. Eyes shifting to the alarm confirmed that there wouldn't be enough time for a cold shower – but it would be alright. He was a man after all, and men control their dicks.

Walking stiffly towards his room, he tried to take his mind off of his raging hard-on by internally checking off the rest of the items on his list.

Clothes laundered and ironed?  
Check

Shoes shined?  
Check

Breath fresh and minty?  
Check

Maka's anniversary gift?  
Check

By the time that the list was settled and Little Soul had calmed himself down, big Soul was buttoning up the last few buttons on his shirt. After agonizing for far longer than was cool to admit, he had finally come to the decision to pair his pinstriped slacks with a simple white button-down shirt. The shirt had been a gift Maka gave long before they had started dating, but this would be the first time that he got an opportunity to wear it. Checking himself in the mirror before heading out the door, he knew he looked good.

Tch, who was he kidding? He looked better than good – he looked cool.


	2. Chapter 2

_Obligatory Disclaimer: I do not own, nor profit from Soul Eater._

* * *

Really Bad Sex  
- OR -  
Why Black Star Is Simultaneously The Best And Worst Friend A Guy Can Have

**Part Two (A): Reality Bites**

He was not the man.

If there was one thing that Soul was sure of, it was that simple fact. He was definitely not the man. One week later and Maka still couldn't seem to bear being in the same room with him let alone make eye contact. The whole thing just baffled the scythe – his plan had been working so well, but now everything was horrible. Classes were dull, dinners were awkward, and the solace that had come with Blair's independence was weighing down like the heaviest of burdens.

Turning away from the front of the class, unable to bear watching Stein' scalpel cut into a creepily emotive manatee, he couldn't help but glance towards Maka. When she wouldn't return his gaze his eyes started to travel along the rest of the room in search of a distraction. Distraction from the carnage to the front and the awkward turtle sitting to the left of him.

For once, it seemed as though everyone was paying attention to Stein. Even Black*Star couldn't tear his eyes away from the manatee's pain. Resignedly turning back in his seat, Soul quickly found that he also couldn't tear his eyes away from the poor animal. If you stared long enough, it almost looked as if its lips were silently pleading for help. Oh, Shinigami… were those tears pouring from its eyes? The pathetic display was a final one-two-punch to his heart – between the relationship issues he was currently facing and the fact that one of nature's most gentle, adorable, and innocent creatures was being dissected in front of his eyes. Soul just couldn't take it anymore.

A single tear fell down his face before he could wipe it away. Frantically looking around to make sure that no one bore witness to his moment of weakness, Soul was seconds away from breathing a heavy sigh of relief before he saw him. Dread crawled up his spine like a spider climbs a water spout. Black*Star had seen. Black*Star had seen his tear and was now looking at him with a look that could best be described as confusion.

Shit.

**Part Two (B): Reality Still Bites**

Stalking briskly through the halls of the DWMA Soul could feel the welcoming warmth of relief flow down his spine despite the current situation he found himself in. Less than a yard away from the one room he doubted Black*Star would go, also known as "The Library," Soul picked up the pace. If his luck could hold out for just the remaining length of this internal monologue, he would be able to slip into the quiet sanctuary. Ever since his emotional display he had been dodging the blue-haired ninja as if his life depended on it. Letting the thought sink in, Soul could only shake his head sadly at his plight – if only it were that simple. If only his life was all that was at stake. This situation was far worse. His entire cool persona was effectively flushed down the drain the second Black*Star opened his mouth. Considering that class had been dismissed fifteen minutes ago, the truth of the matter was that Soul's reputation was already tarnished beyond repair. If Soul knew Black*Star, the obnoxious meister was well into the third dramatic retelling of how the former Cool Guy was reduced to tears during a dissection.

Soul raced between the heavy doors and slammed them closed in his wake. Taking a moment to catch his breath, the death scythe leaned against the Library doors and surveyed the scene. Nothing out of the norm. Just the usual crowd: teachers, librarians, Maka, that weird kid with the inside-out shirts, a few mouth-breathers.

Damnit.

Casually walking to an empty table and taking a seat, Soul resisted the urge to commit seppuku – like a moron he had failed to realize the glaringly obvious flaw to hiding in the library. Maka. Risking a glance towards his girlfriend, he found that instead of a withering glare she continued to completely ignore his presence. In Soul's opinion it was far worse to be ignored by Maka compared to any other punishment. Makachops he could survive, lectures he could endure. Hell, he would even do laundry for a year if it meant that those familiar green eyes would meet his.

Defeat coursing through his veins, Soul slammed his forehead against the mahogany table in front of him. The pain did nothing to distract him from the fact that the current state of his partnership with Maka would be ruinious for them in every aspect of their relationship. If they couldn't communicate, they wouldn't be able to resonate. If they couldn't resonate, they sure as Hell couldn't remain partners. With his black blood, it was difficult to foresee just how screwed up he would be without Maka's influence.

His thoughts spiraling towards ever darker thoughts, Soul didn't notice the first five paper airplanes that had been thrown in his direction. It was only the sixth airplane that caught his attention after it had lodged itself into his ear. Grumbling muffled obscenities, Soul looked around to find the culprit so that he could take his growing frustration out on someone deserving of suffering. The only person near enough to throw anything was Maka… and seeing how she could barely stand him at all these days, the weapon highly doubted that she was trying to get his attention.

Gathering up the offending papers so that he could throw them out, bright red writing caught Soul's attention. It looked like each plane had a message scrawled upon it. After quickly scanning the room once more for a possible suspect, Soul began unfolding the paper airplanes. Two minutes later and his forehead was once again painfully planted against the hard-wood surface.

The ninja had found him. The ninja had found him and demanded to meet. The ninja was a goddamn loudmouthed moron who was threatening to tell the entire school unless Soul met him at an undisclosed room with a notepad and pencil. While the need for school supplies was strange to the point of distraction, it wasn't until the last airplane that Soul's feeling of dread sucker punched him in the gut. Five simple words that when strung together would usually inspire a snarky comeback or a high five. Today, those five simple words held a darker meaning. "_I KNow about the SEXXX_" was written out in Black*Star's messy script, his signature in the bottom corner.

As if Soul's day couldn't get any worse.

Fuck.


End file.
